I was looking through old photographs today and I found a photo taken of me exactly one year ago to this day. I remember that day well. Although my head wasn't completely free of disordered thoughts when it comes to eating, I was so much better and happier than I am now. I remember I would eat healthily (slightly restrictive) during the week and then binge on weekends. But I was happy. It's not fair. Looking at the photograph made me really sad and I just wish I could go back and stop myself from going this far down the road.
This time last year, I would have been going to Florida in 11 days. I would eat what I want and not give a shit. But halfway through the holiday I would start caring more than usual. I would search for pro-ana diets online and workouts which burnt double the amount of calories I would take in. I would not eat for full days at a time although I was on holiday. When I got home after the holiday, I would starve myself for a few weeks. This is when my thoughts got worse and worse. I would start university. The stress of it would lead me to a period of binging which, along with days of restrictive eating, would last for around 5 months. And then, I would starve myself. And now here I am, still starving myself. But I just cannot get myself out of this rut. I am stuck here, starving myself, not eating and burning off any calories that I have to take in so as not to make my parents suspicious.
The weird thing is, although I still get a high when I see the number on the scale get lower (this morning I weighed in at 97.4lbs), the control is what I crave the most. I can't stop now because that would mean I was weak and too many people have commented on my weight loss and great willpower for me to be weak.
Losing weight means I am strong because I have the willpower to not eat and, you see, that is what makes me strong.
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