05/09/2014

I have my assessment at The Priory on Monday.  Cheadle referred me to Preston because my BMI is too severely low for them to deal with.  So Preston refuse to wait for NHS funding which can take up to 28 days (because my condition is urgent ha ha ha okilydokily then!) and have me booked in for an initial assessment this Monday. I'm so terrified, I don't even know what to say.  I'm not ready for this.  What am I going to be when I'm not skinny? 

01/09/2014 12:04

I haven't wrote a post in quite a while.  A lot of things have happened since the last time I wrote a post.  Where do I even start?  My darling Mickey passed away, bless his furry little sumo wrestler soul.  I miss him more than anything.  My mum found out I'm not eating and took me to the doctors.  The doctor referred me to an eating disorder clinic at the hospital but they referred me straight to The Priory because my BMI is "dangerously low."  So, I have my assessment at The Priory pretty soon and I am fudging terrified.  I have absolutely no idea what to expect.  I've researched into initial assessments but the internet doesn't really have any accurate giveaways going on.  God dammit Google.  

I basically ruined my mum's summer by making her cry and shout and scream and yell.
I'm sorry, mum.  But you have to understand that a lot of the time it's Ana talking, not me!  
I'm sorry.

10:23

I'm so tired like I literally forgot what having energy feels like.  I forgot what it feels like to get out of bed and not have to sit on the edge of the bed for a minute until you don't feel dizzy and the spots in front of your eyes have stopped and your breath has come back.  So tell me, what does that feel like?  For I am afraid I may never know again.

27/07/2014 10:17

A lot of people think not eating means you want to be skinny.  Or get thinner.  Or drop a couple of pounds.  They think it's easy, when you've reached your goal weight, to stop.  To just eat.  

What people don't realise is that 90% of the time, it's not about the ribs or the thigh gap or the hip bones.  It's about the control.  

It's not being able to eat because that will mean you're weak.  

It's not being able to finish a full meal because that will make you look greedy and it will make you fat and nobody liked you when you were fat and now a lot of people compliment you because you're getting skinny you're getting skinny right why are you so unhappy why aren't you jumping for joy why are you sad you're skinny!

25/07/2014 18:22

I am outside with Marley.  I can hear my neighbours talking.

"That's a fat one," J says.

I automatically think, 'They're talking about photographs of me.'

I just heard them again.  Apparently they're talking about trees.

24/07/2014 10:24

Dad came in the living room this morning with his huge bowl of Frosties (which he claims are healthy) and he sat down on the floor and glugged a shit load of milk and watched Jeremy Kyle on TV.  I tried to tune out the noise of his eating and slurping as best I could but it still made me cringe.  After he'd finished eating his Frosties, dad picked up one of the dog's bones off the floor and held it to me.  He said, "Would you eat this for £1,000?"  I looked at him.  I thought, I wouldn't even eat McDonalds for £1,000, and that used to be my favourite food.  Why would I eat a dog bone?  And that's weird because suddenly a joke had turned into something serious.

I said, "No."

23/07/2014 19:55

Yesterday, an old friend of mine commented on how slim I was and asked me what I was eating and doing to get that slim.  Imagine if I had replied with: "Hey, R (we'll call her R), I'm starving myself and however little I eat I burn off and if I go even 1 calorie over 300 calories in the day I want to cut myself!" I wonder what her reaction would have been.

I said: "Oh, no, you don't need to lose weight, you're perfect." 

Because I don't want ANYBODY to get sucked into what I have been sucked into.

And then she started talking about boys and how she was hating her life because of them and I thought, boys don't hurt you.  Not as much as this girl called Ana.