05/09/2014

I have my assessment at The Priory on Monday.  Cheadle referred me to Preston because my BMI is too severely low for them to deal with.  So Preston refuse to wait for NHS funding which can take up to 28 days (because my condition is urgent ha ha ha okilydokily then!) and have me booked in for an initial assessment this Monday. I'm so terrified, I don't even know what to say.  I'm not ready for this.  What am I going to be when I'm not skinny? 

01/09/2014 12:04

I haven't wrote a post in quite a while.  A lot of things have happened since the last time I wrote a post.  Where do I even start?  My darling Mickey passed away, bless his furry little sumo wrestler soul.  I miss him more than anything.  My mum found out I'm not eating and took me to the doctors.  The doctor referred me to an eating disorder clinic at the hospital but they referred me straight to The Priory because my BMI is "dangerously low."  So, I have my assessment at The Priory pretty soon and I am fudging terrified.  I have absolutely no idea what to expect.  I've researched into initial assessments but the internet doesn't really have any accurate giveaways going on.  God dammit Google.  

I basically ruined my mum's summer by making her cry and shout and scream and yell.
I'm sorry, mum.  But you have to understand that a lot of the time it's Ana talking, not me!  
I'm sorry.

10:23

I'm so tired like I literally forgot what having energy feels like.  I forgot what it feels like to get out of bed and not have to sit on the edge of the bed for a minute until you don't feel dizzy and the spots in front of your eyes have stopped and your breath has come back.  So tell me, what does that feel like?  For I am afraid I may never know again.

27/07/2014 10:17

A lot of people think not eating means you want to be skinny.  Or get thinner.  Or drop a couple of pounds.  They think it's easy, when you've reached your goal weight, to stop.  To just eat.  

What people don't realise is that 90% of the time, it's not about the ribs or the thigh gap or the hip bones.  It's about the control.  

It's not being able to eat because that will mean you're weak.  

It's not being able to finish a full meal because that will make you look greedy and it will make you fat and nobody liked you when you were fat and now a lot of people compliment you because you're getting skinny you're getting skinny right why are you so unhappy why aren't you jumping for joy why are you sad you're skinny!

25/07/2014 18:22

I am outside with Marley.  I can hear my neighbours talking.

"That's a fat one," J says.

I automatically think, 'They're talking about photographs of me.'

I just heard them again.  Apparently they're talking about trees.

24/07/2014 10:24

Dad came in the living room this morning with his huge bowl of Frosties (which he claims are healthy) and he sat down on the floor and glugged a shit load of milk and watched Jeremy Kyle on TV.  I tried to tune out the noise of his eating and slurping as best I could but it still made me cringe.  After he'd finished eating his Frosties, dad picked up one of the dog's bones off the floor and held it to me.  He said, "Would you eat this for £1,000?"  I looked at him.  I thought, I wouldn't even eat McDonalds for £1,000, and that used to be my favourite food.  Why would I eat a dog bone?  And that's weird because suddenly a joke had turned into something serious.

I said, "No."

23/07/2014 19:55

Yesterday, an old friend of mine commented on how slim I was and asked me what I was eating and doing to get that slim.  Imagine if I had replied with: "Hey, R (we'll call her R), I'm starving myself and however little I eat I burn off and if I go even 1 calorie over 300 calories in the day I want to cut myself!" I wonder what her reaction would have been.

I said: "Oh, no, you don't need to lose weight, you're perfect." 

Because I don't want ANYBODY to get sucked into what I have been sucked into.

And then she started talking about boys and how she was hating her life because of them and I thought, boys don't hurt you.  Not as much as this girl called Ana.  

Things I Can't Do

I can't walk stairs without feeling faint,
My hair is falling out.
I exercise in secret now
When there's no-one about.
I can't keep saying I don't feel well
When someone offers food,
Instead I take it and hide it away
So I don't cause a feud.
I can't feel warm even in several layers,
I'm always cold these days.
My friends keep telling me to stop losing weight
But I don't care what anyone says.
I can't stand up straight without feeling light headed,
There are spots in front of my eyes;
A galaxy of pink and red and blue
Made up from all of my lies.
I can't remember what it feels like to have energy,
My life stems from a digital number.
I'm sneaky now, I hide things cleverly
But I'm not sure I like this slumber.
I can't say I don't enjoy the power,
The control that lies within;
Because I don't care about the consequences
As long as I am thin.
I can't wear tightly fitting clothes any more,
My bones are starting to show
And people will comment and stop me from losing
When I just want to lose more.
I can't stop now, I've come this far,
I must lose one more pound;
Just one more, or maybe five
Until I'm in the ground.

20/07/2014 19:45

I was looking through old photographs today and I found a photo taken of me exactly one year ago to this day.  I remember that day well.  Although my head wasn't completely free of disordered thoughts when it comes to eating, I was so much better and happier than I am now.  I remember I would eat healthily (slightly restrictive) during the week and then binge on weekends.  But I was happy.  It's not fair.  Looking at the photograph made me really sad and I just wish I could go back and stop myself from going this far down the road.  

This time last year, I would have been going to Florida in 11 days.  I would eat what I want and not give a shit.  But halfway through the holiday I would start caring more than usual.  I would search for pro-ana diets online and workouts which burnt double the amount of calories I would take in.  I would not eat for full days at a time although I was on holiday.  When I got home after the holiday, I would starve myself for a few weeks.  This is when my thoughts got worse and worse.  I would start university.  The stress of it would lead me to a period of binging which, along with days of restrictive eating, would last for around 5 months.  And then, I would starve myself.  And now here I am, still starving myself.  But I just cannot get myself out of this rut.  I am stuck here, starving myself, not eating and burning off any calories that I have to take in so as not to make my parents suspicious.  

The weird thing is, although I still get a high when I see the number on the scale get lower (this morning I weighed in at 97.4lbs), the control is what I crave the most.  I can't stop now because that would mean I was weak and too many people have commented on my weight loss and great willpower for me to be weak.  

Losing weight means I am strong because I have the willpower to not eat and, you see, that is what makes me strong.

19/07/2014 11:43

I used to wake up on Saturday mornings, jump out of bed and run downstairs to bake a cake or cookies.  I would aim either for a white chocolate cake with buttercream icing and grated white chocolate sprinkled on top, or white chocolate chip cookies.  I would eat the mixture as I went along and then eat either the cookies or the cake warm, straight out of the oven so all the white chocolate was melted and gooey and delicious.  

Now, I wake up on Saturday mornings, muster up enough energy to crawl out of bed and run downstairs to burn calories.

I strap my stepometer to myself and walk, jog, run laps around the house to burn any extra calories off.  I never used to exercise.  It started off lightly but now, everyday, it's more and more and more.  Just a few more steps!  Just a few more. Might as well add in 1,000 more, just for the kick of it, right?  You can do more than that, fatty.  

My rule is 300 in, 300 out.

I hate the number 300.

I Met Ana In The Winter

I met Ana in the winter,

She took my heart and soul,

She said she'd make me pretty

And set me all these goals.

I met Ana in the winter,

I'm losing all this weight,

She's set more goals for me to reach 

So I won't eat what's on my plate.

I met Ana in the winter,

"Don't eat this, no! Don't eat that!

Cancel all your plans my dear

They just want to make you fat."

I met Ana in the winter,

She holds me when I cry 

And in the morning when the number is lower

I feel like I could fly.

I met Ana in the winter 

And though I'm weak, I'm strong. 

I get a high when people say

Losing more weight is wrong.

I met Ana in the winter 

And for the old me I must grieve

Because she holds my hand too tight

And now she just won't leave.

I met Ana in the winter, 

She keeps coming up with new tricks

Because now I get a high

When people tell me I look sick. 

I met Ana in the winter,

My weight drops pound by pound;

It's sick how happy she makes me

Though she wants me in the ground.

I met Ana in the winter

And now I pay the price

Because though it's summer and I should be warm

My fingers feel like ice.

I met Ana in the winter 

And it's scary thinking back,

How quickly she crept up on me

And turned my world to black. 

I met Ana in the winter 

Now she's always by my side;

I thought she was my friend at first

But now it's clear, she lied.

15:02

I don't remember what it feels like to have energy.  Does that sound so weird?  I can't stand up without my eyes being hugged by a million tiny galaxies.  I can't walk up the stairs without sitting down and putting my head between my knees first, otherwise everything goes black.  Even the million tiny galaxies disappear and that is somehow far worse because, for a few moments, I'm blind.  And then everything comes back.  And I walk up the stairs and I count them down.  There are 12 stairs.  And when I'm at the top I hold onto the banister and wait for my breath to come back and for my legs to stop hurting and I feel like I'm going to pass out but that's a good thing because it means I'm not eating.  And because I'm not eating that means I'm losing weight.  And because I'm losing weight that means I'm happy. 

You see, I no longer live in just one world.  I live in my space of a million tiny galaxies and it doesn't matter that I'm not living, that I'm simply existing, because this is my world and I know that in these million tiny galaxies I'm going to be thinner and thinner and thinner until I can simply float like a feather amongst them.  And I too will be just another of those million tiny galaxies.

That is, until, everything goes black.  

18/07/2014 09:34

It's warm outside.  But I'm still freezing.  Apparently we're having a heatwave.  I don't know if we are.  I can't tell.  I'm freezing.  At the beginning of the week, dad said it was going to get as hot as Barbados.  It's windy outside, too.  My blind keeps getting sucked out the window.  It's annoying.  I bet all my friends are out enjoying ice cream, their hair blowing around their faces like wild halos, whipping through the cream and smearing the frozen liquid across their faces.  They'll jokingly stick ice cream on each other's noses and they'll laugh because that's what normal people do.  When dad stuck cream on my nose, I went apeshit because I was scared the cream would drip in my mouth, equating to extra calories.  I scrubbed my nose for ages afterwards just to make sure there was definitely, definitely nothing, absolutely NOTHING left on it.  It hurt because I used cheap kitchen roll and it was rough and my skin dried up but at least I hadn't consumed extra calories.  The calories were in the bin.  Just where they belonged.